Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Bachelorette 9 Premiere: Love, Spray Tans and White Vans

The first seven minutes include the dreaded painful recap of Des getting her heart broken and her humble beginnings. Do not fret minutes later Chris Harrison gives her a tour of her mansion and keys to a Bentley.  Cue The Hills montage, Des gets in her Bentley, drives to her theme song and roller skates in a bikini and shorts. She is lucky, talented and her story is still Unwritten.

Des is totally stepping up her fashion game. Did she dress herself? Or did someone else? Whoever did should have picked her outfit for the promo photos. I still miss Des’ bangs. This process cannot proceed any further without the first Chris Harrison therapy session.


Sparkly dress:
Chris Harrison therapy session:

Let’s do this!
Bryden: starting off Memorial Day with a veteran, what a coincidence.

Will: Yoga financial guy from Chicago. People do not high five in Chicago.

Drew: Has divorced parents, one of which was an alcoholic and has a mentally handicapped sister. I cannot even focus on any of these hardships, because he is just that pretty.

Nick: Tailor/magician? Des is driving a Bentley, girl does not have time to be anyone’s assistant.

Zak: Put a shirt on, “I knew I wanted to get into oil and gas.” People really say that?

Robert: Sign spinning entrepreneur, has sign spinning only been a thing for the last eight years? Come on, that means The Bachelorette is older than sign spinning.

Mike: My apologies but a Texan, British, model, dental hygienist. Please pick a stereotype.

Brandon: An adrenaline junkie with a metaphor, sadly, he did not have a dad, his mom was an alcoholic. Good news, he has amazing grandparents.

Drew: Out of the limo first, as if I was not already a fan. So cute. Next Bachelor, if he doesn't get picked?

Brooks: He is quirky and gave her two hugs. He was totally mysterious the rest of the night. That makes me thinks he makes it far.

Bryden: Brought up Sean.

Michael: Tries to find Des’ penny and gives her a new one. I like him, he was not awkward or weird.

#Kasey: He hashtags everything, I LOVE Twitter and I was overwhelmed.

Will: High fives everyone and the Greek mythology was a little off.

Mikey: They matched and Des liked him. He totally was befriending Nate.

Jonathan: Fantasy suite card, so creepy!

Zak: The spray tan man, put a shirt on.

James: Ryan Bowers lookalike, he does not care if she gets fat though, I liked his campaign speech. Just liked him.

Larry: I hope I never have to face him during an emergency. Des’ face was everything.

Nick: If your job title has a slash in it, self-reflect.  I feel like he made it about him a little too much.

Zack: I dig the Chucks.

Diogo: Working at a museum I can admire the armor that takes forever to put on and is very hot, so I hear.

Chris: Seattle does well in this competition, cough, Catherine, cough, Jason. I liked his shoe joke. He was funny without trying too hard.

Mike: The suit overwhelmed me and his coat was too much.

Robert: Why didn’t he show up with a sign?

Juan Pablo: “Whatever I’ll get it.”

Brandon: Adrenaline junkie shows up on a motorcycle? She thought he was cute.  He had the first steal of the season. Draw that big red target on him. I just want to know what happens to his mom’s sobriety coin if he does not make it to the hometowns.

Brian: Trying to avoid the “suit thing.”

Micah: Leave the designing to Neil Lane.

Nick M: JP lookalike with a poem.

Dan: Spray tan was better in “real life” Dannie boy.

Brody:  Cutest little Bachelor ever. He just wanted to go to the party.

Ben: Cute guy to match the kid, I still think it is a little odd he had a kid with a “friend.” I was hoping the mom would get out and they would have a family dinner. I mean what is a kid just between friends? You learn a lot about someone from a road trip huh? Well on our fourth, Justin took Nyquil two hours in, he was sick though.

Brad: Cute, did not leave a huge impression, which isn't bad.

I got 15 of the 19 people correct on my fantasy team.  Join here if you haven’t yet.


We see a lot of Brooks, Drew, Brandon, Michael, hashtag, Chris, Ben and James. I have stayed away from the spoilers so far and I like Drew (a lot), Brooks (mysterious on the first night is a good sign), Michael and Chris.

Who are your favorites?


All photo rights belong to ABC.


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